


On Our Knees, Helpless

by TWDObsessive



Category: The Walking Dead & Related Fandoms, The Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: Angst, Comfort/Angst, Devotion, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Eye Contact, Falling In Love, Fear, First Kiss, Friendship/Love, Hugs, Hurt/Comfort, Love Confessions, M/M, Major character death - Freeform, Nonverbal Communication, POV Daryl Dixon, POV First Person, Psychological Drama, Psychological Torture, Rewrite of season six finale and aftermath, Rickyl, Stream of Consciousness, The fate of Rick and Daryl after s06 ep 16, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-02
Updated: 2016-05-03
Packaged: 2018-06-05 19:59:47
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,649
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6720880
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TWDObsessive/pseuds/TWDObsessive
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Season 6, Episode 16:  Daryl's stream of consciousness as he sits wounded in the van and discovers that he's been in love with Rick.  He's then pulled out and put on his knees with the rest of his family before Negan.  This is a re-write of the Negan selection process based on rumors I heard about a spoiler that didn't turn out to be true.</p><p>**Second chapter added- Rick and Daryl find love as they deal with the aftermath of Negan.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Warning:  
> Please mind the ratings and the tags. This story includes the brutal death of someone on Team Family.

Shoulder hurts like a bitch. But it ain't the first time I been taken. Been taken by the governor. Got out of that. Been taken in Terminus. Got out of that. Hell ain't even the first time I been taken by THIS particular asshole. Mostly I’m just pissed I ‘parently ain't learned my lesson yet.

Ain't scared. It's dark in the van they have us in. Me, Glenn, Rosita and Michonne. No one says much. I know they're all worrying over the bullet in me. I can feel all their eyes on me in the dark.

“I'm fine,” I mumble.

“You’re shot,” Rosita says.

“Lots a’ people get shot. Fucking Carl got shot in the damn eye. He's fine. I'll be fine. Need to figure out what we’re gonna do when they deliver us to this Negan.”

“We been driving around for hours,” Glenn says, his voice so hard anymore. Not like the young boy I first known back at the quarry. He's a man now. Married. Baby on the way. He's driven in a way ain't nobody else driven. 

“Going in circles,” Michonne adds. “Can feel it. Their toying with us or something. Trying to keep us disoriented.”

“We’ll think of something. ‘S gonna be ok.” When I hear the words in my voice I think a’ Rick cause they sound like his words. And I realize, that's what drives me. We all want to live for each other. All care about one another. But the way Maggie and her growin’ belly drive Glenn? Rick and his kids drive me. Not sure why. Never take much time to figure shit like that out. But when I think of Rick to me and compare it to Glenn and Maggie… I start to wonder if there ain't more in me than just a loyal friend. 

Was happy for him with Michonne. Why wouldn't I be? He's my best friend and he's lonely and he needs and wants for affection. But when I saw them on the steps that mornin’? All eyes and awkward a’ bein’ caught, I felt something flutter in my chest, like a moth caught ‘tween a window and a screen. Flutterin’ till it just drops with a soft, barely audible plop. Givin’ up.

Since then I been watchin’ him. Thinkin’ bout him. Thinkin’ ‘bout what my body been tryin’ ta tell me for years now. Why I get hard layin’ aside him when we’s out movin’ house to house ‘fore the prison. The sinkin’ stone in my belly when I left him after Woodbury, goin’ with Merle instead. The look in his eyes when I’s walkin’ away. And the warmth in me when I went back, killin’ walkers off him and seein’ him whole and alive and so relieved to see me. The goose bumps I got when our hands touched during the tornado holdin’ that old barn door shut ‘fore Alexandria. 

I'm in love with Rick, I realize. And it’s as clear and as fact as the sky being blue above me. I don't know what that means really. And I know there ain't nothin’ I'm gonna do about it. He got Michonne. He ain't gay. He’ll I ain't gay. Least I didn't think I was. Didn't never really know what I was. Ain't never felt like this for nobody. Ain't never been physical with nobody. But with these new thoughts ‘round my head in the back a’ this dark van, I know I'd like it. I'd like for him to touch me the way Glenn touches Maggie. The way he used to touch Lori. 

I remember a thousand times our bodies touched. Sittin’ thigh to thigh, shoulder to shoulder. A hand on my arm, on my back. I remember his eyes on me. He talks to me that way, with those eyes

“Daryl, you still hanging in there?” Michonne whispers to me.

“I'm good,” I say.

The thing that's nice ‘bout Rick, is that I know he cares. I believe him. And I usually ain't good ‘bout believin’ I'm worth anythin’. But Rick always makes sure I know. He may be with Michonne now and that's ok. Ain't against the law for me to realize I love him. It's kind of a relief to realize it- that I'm in love with Rick Grimes. Don't mind it being one-sided cause I wouldn't know what to do ‘bout it anyway. What I need ta’ do is make sure I bring him back his Michonne. That needs to be my goal.

But I can’t help my rogue thoughts in the dark, my shoulder throbbin’ as we go bumpin’ along the road. Start thinking ‘bout what it would even be like to have Rick. To have him hold me, put his hands on me with purpose. His lips. His body fitting tight against mine. And it all makes me hard as I sit there. I wonder if I'll get to live long enough to see Rick again. And that thought makes me sadder than dying. Not seein’ him one more time. 

When we stopped finally I tried to get my strength. Tried to focus on ignoring what hurts, but it hurts. And I don't know what we’ll do when the doors open. But they don't open. We hear voices. Lots of them and I can't follow all the dialogue. 

“We’ve gotten out of worse,” Glenn whispers. And I know he’s thinkin’ ‘bout Terminus. Are we that lucky to get out of one thing after another, after another? Or is this it? Is this our last day on Earth? So we stay quiet and listen. Try to gage what we’ll be pulled into. So many voices and I don't recognize a one of them. Until I do. Was it Rick? Did I hear Rick’s voice? My heart was thuddin’ so loud in my chest I wasn’t sure if it was my ‘magination or not.

I’m loosin’ a little blood. I know that. I know I don't look good. When the van doors finally open I don't say nothin’. Don't want ta make nothin’ harder than it needs ta be. Everyone is there. Everyone I love. Rick. I can’t take my eyes off of him, so broken and the weight of the world on his shoulders. His eyes are wet, terrified, and I can see the loss of control he feels. I know what he’s thinkin’. That this is all his fault. That anything happens here is gonna be on him. He don’t understand that you just can’t know what’s in the heart a’ man these days. Can’t know what would come ta’ be. Can’t take responsibility for everything. The frightened, destroyed look in his eyes wrecks me. Makes me wanna die so I don’t gotta see him hurtin’. But he makes eye contact with me and I can see how the sight of me affects him. The sight of all four of us as we’re taken from the van and put on our knees but he keeps his eyes on mine and he’s barely inside. He’s losing himself. I know that Rick. 

I try to make him see me and focus. We got a way to talk without words, have for a long time. And I try to tell him that this isn’t his fault. That I’m here. We are here together. I try to tell him I love him. Negen starts talking and I can barely concentrate on his words between the hurtin’ in my shoulder and the hurtin’ in my heart. I want to go to Rick. I want to touch him, hold him, comfort him. I want him to know that I am behind him. Always. I am always with him. And if I die, I’ve no doubt that my soul will continue to be connected to his, following him around transparent and buzzing with energy and love; the connection that comes from Rick being the one person on this planet that can touch me in a way no one else ever has. 

I nod at him, hold his eyes, try to look as confident and unafraid as I can so that maybe he can get some of that from me. He is scared, trembling, in shock. And a scared Rick is something I can barely stand to see. It hurts more than my shoulder. 

Rick looks back to Negan as this new most awful person in our world talks in obnoxious, arrogant riddles. I feel my body cringe like a tiger ready to pounce when I hear Rick’s name on Negan’s lips. I want blood. I want to rip his heart out with my bare hands. But I am as helpless as Rick. Thirty? Forty? Fifty people surrounding us? Guns scoped on the heads of every one of my family. And we are on our knees, helpless.

“Here’s the lesson for the first day of class boys and girls,” Negan says, as he motions with his bat.

“ _Rick Grimes_ isn’t in charge anymore. _Rick Grimes_ works for me. You all work for me. I want things. You get things. You give them to me. It’s really not that difficult and I feel fairly certain you can all get a passing grade in this class. I’m a good teacher, you see.”

He walks up and down the line of us and I looked to each face. Each of my family on their knees stripped of everything, bowing down like frightened animals. And I know I’ll do anything Negan wants to get us out of this alive. To get Rick away so that I can talk to him, so I can bring him back to earth, back to reality. Because I’m wondering now if he’s seeing ghosts. If he’s losing all sense of himself. 

Negan stops the babbling and walks over towards Glenn and I. He points his bat at both of us slowly and turns back to Rick. “You are the leader of these people, Rick. So you choose for me. I simply can’t make a decision. One or two? A or B? This one or that one?” 

Rick looks up at Negan with the most desperate expression I’ve ever seen. Begging and pleading with watery, red eyes. On his knees, trembling, everything about him screaming for this not to be real. 

“Well, leader? Which one lives? Glenn here or Daryl?” Negan nods to one of his henchmen and I feel someone pull me out of the line up, Glenn being dragged along with me so that both of us are on our knees again in front of everyone, right at Negan’s heels. “I could kill them both if it’s easier on you-”

“No!” Rick cries out. He’s shaking. Tears roll down his cheeks. “No. Please. We can work this out. We can all work for you. We’ll be able to get you more if our team is in tact.”

I’m proud. Proud of how strong Rick is and that he can still try to talk sense into this man who is clearly out of his mind. But I know it won’t end like he wants. A death warrant has already been written with this welcoming committee. I remember what they said at Hilltop. What the group of guys on the motorcycles said out on the road. They kill one person. They always do. It’s their trademark, their move, their way to gain control and it’s always been working. 

“Nope!” Negan says, his tone like that of a kid calling for shotgun on a car trip. “You have ten seconds to choose who I kill or they both die. Nine. Eight…”

“No. Please,” Rick begged. And the sound of desperation in him destroys me. I want to scream out for it to be me. He knows it needs to be me. Glenn has a wife, a baby on the way. But I’m afraid to talk. Afraid what I say might have the alternate affect so I just use my eyes with him. I keep his gaze on mine and lift a brow and nod. I rise up a little taller, strong. I tell him with my movements that it’s ok. That I want it to be me. That I NEED it to be me that gets put down.

“Seven… Six… Five…”

Rick shakes his head no. Not a deliberate shake that everyone can see. Just a twitch, something only for me and as Negan is looking to the crowd behind him I mouth the words “Yes.”

“Four… Three… Looks like we are gonna get ourselves a double header, boys!”

“Daryl!” Rick sobs. “Daryl.” And he crumbles to the ground, forehead and knees in the dirt, his body wracking with sobs.

“Glenn lives!” Negan says like he’s announcing the winner of a WWE fight. And then he looks everyone in the group up and down, making deliberate eye contact. “..says your leader. But maybe you’ll remember the lesson was that Rick Grimes isn’t the leader any more.”

And he raises the bat over my head. I kneel higher, taller. 

_Me, Negan! ME!_

And the bat comes down and smashes Glenn’s head into the dirt. Over and over and over and over and over. Rick looks back up and I hold his gaze. 

_Don’t look, Rick,_ I beg with my eyes. _Stay on me._ And he does, but he’s gone. Vacant. He’s not in there and my stomach sinks. And I hear the soft, squishy sounds of bat on brains, the whimpers from my family, from Maggie. From Rosita.

And my mind is a whirl of Glenn. Flashes of him one after the other. Every moment. Watching him grow as if he were a child of my own. 

_I’m Korean._ I hear his voice.

I see him standing beside Dale working on the RV, his baseball cap on and still looking like a boy.

_Guys. The Barn is full of walkers._

_Daryl... we need to get back there and figure this out from home. Our home._

I see him sitting in the RV beside Maggie with an image of his baby in his hands. Dozens of moments of him with an arm around Maggie flash through my mind. His smile. 

The thuds finally stop. “Game over,” Negan says, out of breath. I feel Glenn's blood seeping into my pants, making my knees damp. I keep my eyes on Rick. I’ve failed him by not dying. But I would not fail him by letting him lose himself. I’ve been loyal to him since the beginning. I am his. And I will bring him back from this.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Felt like I needed to give this a more thorough ending.
> 
> Unbeta'd

Afterwards we are allowed to go to Hilltop for medical care. Maggie and me both need a doctor. Her more than me. Negan _let_ us take Glenn’s battered body to bury him. Like we should be grateful for the favor. When we all board the RV, quiet, somber, faint sobs and gasps from Mags, I know I will kill him. With my bare hands. I know this is my fate.

Abe drives, Eugene in the passenger seat guiding us back up the most direct route to Hilltop. Maggie is slumped over Glenn’s sheet-draped body. She looks so sick and I am so afraid for her baby. I pray even though it's pointless. _Please don't take her entire family in one day._. Michonne and Aaron are by her side.

Sasha and Rosita hover over me and I barely remember my own injury despite the pain because all I can do is watch Rick. No one talks. No one says a word. I'm afraid to breathe too loud.

Carl is looking out the window. He's angry. I can see it in the way he holds his body rigid like he's ready for a fight and I wonder if he ain't planning the death of Negan too.

Rick is sitting on the floor in front of me. The same expression he's had, like he is incapable of understanding the horrors of what have happened. He's wearing guilt like a heavy winter coat in July. He won't look up at me. Won’t look at anybody.

I shrug Sasha’s hand off my back and stand to take the three steps to Rick and I sit down beside him, shoulder to shoulder, hoping the feel of my warmth against him is of some comfort. But I know it ain’t. He probably don’t even know I’m here. 

“Rick,” Sasha starts. 

“Get!” I holler at her. “Leave ‘im be. Leave us alone!” Ain’t her fault. She just wants to help. But Rick is my responsibility. Sasha just nods at me, maybe understandin’ even more than I think. She tugs on Rosita’s arm and pulls her back to Aaron, Michonne and Maggie, leavin’ me and Rick mostly alone on the floor by the small RV kitchen.

I kneel and get in front of him, fingers on his chin and tilt his head in an attempt to meet his eyes. I know he’s inside. “Rick. Need you here with me, man,” I say, tryin’ to be stronger than I feel. His lips part but no words come out. And I know what’s in his mind. He’s thinkin’ about every decision he made since he woke up this morning. Every decision he’s ever made. Since Terminus. Since the prison. Since the farm. He’s takin’ the blame for every single thing that has happened. I see it in his eyes. I see it. Lori. Shane. Sophia. Dale. Andrea. T-Dog. Tyreese. Hershel. Beth. So many. Merle. And Glenn. Our Glenn.

“Glenn needs you to come back from this. He needs you to be strong. Maggie needs you. Carl. _I_ need you.”

He swallows, his eyes darting and still damp, red. “I...I killed you,” he whispers, his voice soft gravel and pain. Heartbreaking pain. He breaks my heart with his guilt. 

“Rick, you didn’t kill nobody, man. That guy… that fucking Negan. He’s insane. He’s tryin’ to fuck with you. Trying to steal you from us. Don’t let him win. Don’t-.”

“I… I… don’t want you to die, Daryl. I didn’t want…” His voice trails off as he gasped for breath, hyperventilatin’.

“I’m here, Rick. I’m here. It’s ok. This isn’t on you, man. None of this. It ain’t yours to bear.” He still don’t meet my eyes and I feel cold without the blanket of his gaze on me. “Look at me, Rick. Please,” I beg. And I ain’t afraid to beg him for it because I want him so fucking bad. Want anything he’ll give me. Even if it’s just meetin’ my eyes. I need him to come back to me. To us.

He shakes his head. “I did this. I did all of this. I tried to kill… to kill you. Glenn. He’s… He’s....”

“Rick,” I try to make my voice as comfortin’ soft as I can. “Negan did this. HE did ALL of this. You need to shake this off. Don’t leave me again. Please.”

“Why you helping me? I tried to kill-”

“I wanted it to be me. I know you can read my eyes, Rick. I KNOW. I _told_ you to pick me. Glenn...” my voice cracked on his name. “Glenn has a wife, a baby. I _wanted_ it to be me. I want it to be me now. I’d take his place if I could bring him back. In a damn heartbeat. I’m dispensable. He ain’t. He… he’s-” I can’t use words no more. Ain’t got them. 

“You’re not dispensable. I need you,” Rick whispers, his voice so small and far away and I remember the sound of those words from another time in our life together. He needs me. And I need him. I look back to Michonne and she watches us. 

I look back to him and his gaze is finally focused and on me. “I need you too, Rick.” I take his shaky hands in mine. “We’ll figure out how to keep going. We’ll take care of Maggie. We have to keep going. We have to keep going.”

“Glenn,” Rick sobs. He drops his head and I move my hands to his mop of sweaty curls and I caress his hair, rubbing soft comfortin’ circles into his scalp. “He ain’t got no fear now. No worry. He’s at peace. We’re the ones got screwed in this deal. He’s with our others now.” I don’t know if I believe that. But I need Rick to believe it.

“I can’t control what’s happening in this world anymore,” he whispers as I massage at his scalp, his head dropped and his shoulders heavy with the weight of this new world. 

I lean down and whisper in his ear. “Ain’t nobody can control this world, Rick. We just gotta do the best we can by each other.”

By the time we pull into Hilltop, Rick and I’s shoulder to shoulder again, his head on me and my hand in his. Michonne looks over and just nods at me, givin’ me permission to do whatever I need to do to get Rick stable. To keep him from slippin’ away. She smiles a knowin’ little smile that I can’t quite decipher.

Jesus is the first one to the RV and we walk out, one after another. Silent. And he knows. Everyone knows what’s happened. We’ve lost one of our one at the hands of Negan. And I take a moment to feast on my own guilt. I was the one who made the deal to go after Negan. I was the one who went after Dwight. Led Glenn out to find me. His death was more on me than on Rick. More on me than on Negan. And I’ll carry that weight quietly inside a’ myself. Don’t need no one ta’ tell me different. I can carry a burden. I’m an old pro.

Gregory stands by his mansion, hands on his hips. I don’t even listen to his words. The tone of them makes me know I’d probably strangle him. So I just turn him off. Tune him out. Doctor Carson walks to us quickly with another man. They knew. They all knew. 

“Maggie,” I said as I pulled away from Carson. “She ain’t good. The baby-” But he pulls off the blanket over my shoulders before I finish talkin’ and he’s lookin’ at my wound. 

“You been shot,” he says, as Michonne and Aaron come out of the RV, holdin’ up Maggie b’tween them.

“Her first,” I say and he listens when he sees her. Rushes to her and picks her up, Aaron and Michonne following. Everyone else shuffles into the food tent that’s set up, a few of the Hilltop citizen’s putting arms around my family. They know. They feel our hurt. 

“You need to eat,” I say to Rick.

“Your shoulder,” he says and tugs me to follow where the doctor went with Maggie.

I let him take me there so he can feel in control. So he can feel like he’s doing something. He intertwines his fingers into mine again and I know it’s not a good time ta’ be thinkin’ ‘bout what that might mean. His touches and his words so affectionate to me since we left Negan. Does he know I want him? Does he want to give himself to me for apology? Don't want his pity. Just want him at peace.

I let him hold my hand though. Cause like always, I'll give Rick anything he wants. We get closer to the medical trailer and I don't want to go inside. Don't want Rick to hear anything about Maggie’s condition till I know it and I can prepare him. I'm already so broken ‘bout Glenn. Can't let myself process it yet cause Rick… He needs me. 

I tug on his hand and pull him between some of the trailers where we can't hear what's happenin’ with Mags and I pretend it's me. “Can't go in yet, Rick. I'm scared.” It's not a lie. I am scared. I'm scared for Maggie, for the baby, and I'm scared for Rick. 

I lean into Rick and he wraps his arms around me tight. He has no words to give and that's ok. He rubs my back. His body is pressed tight against mine. A hand rubs at my neck and then his fingers brush into my hair.

“I love you,” he whispers. 

“Love you too, man,” I whisper casual.

“Daryl, no. I'm _in_ love with you. It would have been selfish of me to save you and let Glenn-” he sobs and I could feel his body shaking. I let his words sink in ta’ me like hot tea warmin’ cold bones. Like the sounds of a creek runnin’ over riverstone. Peaceful. Home.

“You… You're just confused, Rick. Michonne-”

“She knows.”

I'm confused. Don't say nothin’ cause I ain't sure how to respond.

“She knows,” he says again. And as much as I like the feel of him warm against me, I wish he was standing at arm’s length cause I need to see his eyes now. I need to read this in him.

“I know you don't feel the same, but I'm not keeping secrets anymore,” he says. His hand has stopped rubbing my back and the other one stilled in my hair. His body tenses, expectin’ me to push away and bolt at his confession. 

“I love you too, Rick,” I tell him, my hands low on his back and squeezin’ to emphasize my meanin’.

“Daryl, you don't understand. Not just as brothers, as-”

I pull away and hold his head in my hands. His eyes were on mine and I know he reads it instant. He knows that I hear him and that I loved him too. I lean in and kiss him and he returns it fierce and desperate, pressing into me so I’m tight against the building we’s tucked away behind. His hands is roamin’ everywhere. And my mind is like a spinnin’ carousel up and down and around with thoughts. With Glenn. With Rick’s soft lips against mine. With Maggie and her little one. With the feel of rough hands slipping up under my shirt. With Carl and Michonne and Eugene. Everyone. With the thump of Rick’s heart against my chest. And I feel like he owns me, like I am my knees, helpless to him.

His mouth is warm with soft, plump lips pressin’ hard to me. The sound of him, moanin’ with little pouts in between and I know his mind’s spinnin’ same as mine. When we finally break we lock eyes, my hands on his slim hips and his in my hair, grippin’ tight to me. “Why?” I ask. “Why now?”

“Glenn,” Rick says, his bottom lip tremblin’ again like it was when he was on his knees before Negan. “Glenn knew. He could see it in me months ago. Told me to tell you. Knows I need you. Knew,” Rick switches to past tense. “He knew I needed you. He’s dead now,” Rick said, like he was finally acceptin’ it.

“I know. But we ain’t. And we still got family here livin’ and breathin’. So we ain’t got the luxury of checkin’ out. We live this hard life as best we can. You and me.”

He nodded and let me comfort him in another tight hug. A new kind of hug that meant more than any of our touchin’ ever meant before. And I could feel his body growing stronger again in my arms. He wouldn't be lost. Not this night. Not on my watch. I would have died for him tonight. Have offered my life for his before. And before its all over, I'm certain I'll die defendin’ him. Just hope it’s not for a long, long time. Cause with Rick bein’ in love with me, there's a lot more to live for then there had been earlier in this long, awful day. And I want to live.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's going to be a long few months before we get to see our boys again. Thank god for fan fiction.
> 
> Sneak Preview of my next long fic- Vietnam era. Daryl returns from war with PTSD and meets Rick who couldn't serve because he was the sole caretaker for Carl. Rick suffers from the guilt of not serving. Daryl suffers from survivor's guilt and the horrors of war. It will be a lot of research and will take months but just wanted to let you all know that if I'm not actively posting, don't worry. I'm actively writing! Hope there will be some interest in this! :-)

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not sure why I even wrote this because it makes me physically sick. No matter what happens in S7 x 01, I will be heart broken. 
> 
> If there's any interest, I may write a follow-up about how Rick deals with Daryl after basically choosing him to die. Or I may never look at this thing again as long as I live. I'm going to puke now.


End file.
